Most everyone is aware of how financially expensive children can be. Not everyone is aware of the time commitment of raising children, especially for extremely vested parents. First, there is the actual amount of time spent caring for the children. Although it will change based on the child’s age and needs, it is never finished. Then there is the amount of time a parent spends engaging, playing and educating the children, trying to mold them into the best versions of themselves. Other variables in required parenting time include factors such as personality, values, culture, family or social support; the list is never ending. On top of our home and parenting responsibilities, we then add work. Because let’s be honest in this day and age most parents also need to work, as well as raise their family. So how do parents maintain work life balance? Does a balance actually exist? Or is it a delusion that hard-working parents are trying to accomplish by compromising their sanity?
Personally I do not believe that work life balance exists. There is never truly a balance between work and life. It is not possible to parent while focused on your nine to five, nor is it possible to attend a meeting during the middle of your toddler’s tantrum. We just cannot do both at the same time. Work life balance would best be compared to a pendulum, constantly swinging between the two aspects of a parent’s life. The aspect of greatest need will always overshadow the other, and where that need lies can vary by the minute. Keeping all of this in mind, I have found habits and tools that decrease the swinging of my family’s pendulum. Here are the tools and ideas that have worked for me.
Structure
Having a child with ADHD, structure is especially important. The structure provides a basis for constant routine that the child can rely on. This helps with setting expectations for the children, which can prevent or minimize any potential tantrums or meltdowns.
Structure looks different for every family. It does not need to be rigid or jam packed with activities. Structure is about consistency. If your children’s days are scheduled from dawn until dusk, it becomes hard to remain consistent. We need to provide a schedule that allows for some flexibility for those unanticipated occurrences in day-to-day life. By modeling an appropriate response to the change in schedule our children learn resilience and we better set them up for success. Over-scheduling will most likely cause the kids to become overwhelmed and the parents to become burned out. At some point frustration by one or both parties will lead to failure of the structure, which defeats the overall purpose.
The structure we use in our household resembles the following. During the school week the children get up, complete their morning hygiene, get dressed and come downstairs for breakfast. As breakfast is being prepared, they are allowed screen time. After breakfast they clean up after themselves and get their belongings ready for school, then depart for the day. After school they have unstructured play time to run and move prior to completing their homework. We then have dinner, not always as a family, but always at the table. After dinner we may have allotted screen time as well as other indoor activities (games, toys, etc.) We enforce a bedtime, which is a half hour later on the weekends. Of course this schedule is tailored a bit different between boys, making it age appropriate for each of them.
Organization
Living in a home with three Y chromosomes, I seem to be the only person who is attempting to be proactive at life. I understand that life happens and one cannot plan for everything, but I am a “plan for the worst and hope for the best” type of person. I am the type of person that thrives off of control and needs organization. After having children, I realized that I needed to relinquish some of my control and creatively find ways to integrate my family into my organization. Through trial and error, I have found many tools that help me remain organized. These tools have allowed me to grasp a version of work life balance that is appropriate for our family.
My Calendar
My main source of organization is my calendar. The Google calendar on my phone is my scheduling bible. It is color coded, with a color assigned for each family member’s appointments and activities. Due to my limited tech savviness and the ages of my boys, a hard copy of my calendar lives plastered on the front of my refrigerator for all to see. For the past few years I have been using Amy Knapp’s Big Grid Family Organizer Wall Calendar. It is extremely large and takes up more than half of the front of our refrigerator. It is impossible to miss this calendar. It serves as a daily reference for the entire household documenting work schedules, appointments, field trips, etc. There is ample space to write in multiple entries on any given day. It even has a space to write down the nightly dinner menu. You can get Amy Knapp’s Calendar here. https://amzn.to/47sgLgo #commissionearned
My White Boards
My second organizational tools are my white boards. I have two white boards on the wall in our kitchen by the entryway. These boards possess all of my ever changing lists and reminders. Initially when the boards were hung, one was purposed as my grocery list and the second was my to do list. Over the years they have become more complex and utilize many different color markers to suit the different needs of my family. The “Grocery Board” has become a shopping board and the information is broken down into sections based on the store or website in which the item is to be purchased. The “To Do Board” has also blossomed by including long term and short term columns, which also have become color coded based on family member. Last minute reminders such as “return library books” or “don’t forget the permission slip” are scribbled in any available space as large as possible and usually circled many times, depending of their level of importance. Literally everything that I need to remember lives on those two boards. The best part is that when the boards become too cluttered, I can erase and start over, making the boards and my mind much more clear to understand.
Communication
Communication is critical for work life balance because it manages personal and professional expectations while helping lessen misunderstandings. I am a fan of utilizing every type of communication possible. For me there is no such thing as over communicating. The amount of communication needed varies based on the complexity of your family’s schedule. It may seem that this would be common knowledge to some, but miscommunication based off assumption causes hiccups with schedules, frustration and unnecessary stress. You know what they say about assuming…
Here are reasons why strong communication is necessary to manage your day-to-day life. First, it prevents the above mentioned misgivings as it clarifies priorities. Having discussions with both personal and professional colleagues regarding priorities can assist in managing workloads and setting realistic expectations. Second, communication makes it possible to set boundaries with others. By communicating availability, it becomes easier (and apparent) to separate work time from personal time. Don’t be afraid or feel guilty to set boundaries that allow for personal time for yourself. When attempting to manage work life balance, “Me” time is not negotiable. Your mental health will thank you. Third, solid communication prevents misunderstandings. Clear and consistent updates will reduce any conflict or stress from unmet expectations. Fourth, great communication has the ability to build trust between individuals. When people communicate honestly about capacity or challenges, it fosters mutual respect and flexibility. Lastly, healthy communication supports teamwork. Transparent communication allows fair workload distribution and stronger collaboration, both at work and at home. In short, communication is the tool that keeps balance possible; it makes your limits known and your needs understood.
The Result?
I still do not believe in work life balance. To me it is a concept most likely generated by Corporate America to make parents feel less guilty about leaving their children to be raised by strangers. I have nothing against Corporate America; I ran in that rat race for many years and naively chased work life balance until my second son was born. My second son was raced to NICU shortly after birth. It took the reality of possibly losing him to make me realize what really matters. For me that is my boys. Granted leaving Corporate America had quite an impact on my bank statement; it gave me something I missed with my oldest son, the ability to witness him growing and maturing on a daily basis. I admit I have needed to find other ways to bring in income. Each new endeavor has challenged me and so far bettered who I am as a person and their mom. Instead of one full time career, I now have multiple part time jobs and side hustles that give more flexibility with my time. This has allowed me to spend the maximum amount of time with my children. They will only be young and need their mom in this capacity for a short portion of their lives, which is why I have chosen to be a part time professional and a full time mom.
